It's been eons since I last posted. Not that I didn't want to, nor that my life hasn't been interesting of late. It's more like I've far too many things on my plate to free up some time for jotting down my thoughts or get on that serious pensive mode. I still believe reflecting is good and yes, I am trying to see if I can make this more regular.

So much has happened. The semi-stable anchor in my life then has... well, drifted away. Or rather, I finally plucked up the courage, perhaps out of desperation, to release the tie that binded. And now, a lone ship drifting in the open sea, I am. Have I made the right choice? I asked myself countless times. With each time, as much as I felt a pang of regret, this niggling voice never fails to remind me that I did right. I COULD HAVE made do with what I had then BUT the truth is, I will be living in tether hooks and will never be happy.

I COULD HAVE chosen to settle. Well, the mini me says no.

Life. It is such a journey of surprises. A mix bag of good and bad. At this point, I cannot quite ascertain where I stand. My status is well, complicated. I confess that I am dating someone whom I have never dream of dating and would possibly not date at all back then.

To be fair, he is quite a sincere chap. At least thus far, he seems to be serious about what we possibly have. Perhaps I haven't been projecting myself in the no holds barred, bare it all way. A friend advised that I should - if this person cannot accept me at my worse, why should I downplay myself and be so accommodating?

Perhaps really, instead of being so consumed and distracted with relationship matters and affairs of the heart, I should just concentrate on building myself up, concentrate on being single - just to be by myself for some time.

Stop

I don't know what I am doing.. typing this right before my exams - which I have not even finished mugging. Crap.

Yes, this has been bothering me for quite some time. Seriously speaking, I shouldn't even be bothered by it. Shouldn't really. I don't know, perhaps I am just inapt at receiving.

There is no end to this and I need to snap out of it.

Once bitten, twice shy. I really cannot imagine being led up a walk in the garden again. Really.

Thus, stop I must. Even though the heart yearns not.

I guess it is for the better - for everyone.

Move on, just move on.

Forget.

Leave.

In God I trust.

Mixed Signals

Why am I feeling this way?

To feel this bottled sense of annoyance rising within..

I should not even feel a twinge of such emotion... should not..

Much less replaying scenelets in my little head, in a self-absorbing attempt to decipher self-eluding actions to feed the narcissist in me.

What am I doing?

Having a mid life crisis? In need of external validation?

I MUST snap out of this... and channel my energies into something more worthy.

Can't play the field no more.. at least not with this group of players.

Barking up the wrong tree indeed

Shaky Throne

The little sillies in life...

I really wonder at times why such happens... Are these meant to remind you of something? Test your will? Life's little sneaky way of throwing half eaten saccharin sweet apples packed with crunchy, juicy goodness to tempt that little feline in you. Oh yes, that should be a stinky o' fish!

Still, it rouses the cougar. Perhaps nothing as wholesome and healthy has ever dropped from the sky.

Maybe it's situational unhappiness that irritates the cat. Should it still be purring on its throne, it would not have bat an eyelid, much less stir.

Is that the cosmo's way of telling one, to not settle for less?

It's bizarre to even entertain that wild thought.. even if it was for a fleeting moment to entertain that shrivelled lonely romanticist.

Such is life and its many ironies.

Dig those sharpened claws I would, determined not to be swept by the delightful whirl wind...

Even when the throne is shaky... I seek not where the youth is

Destroy the youth not...

Such is life and its many ironies.

Family

What is the meaning of 'Family'? A safe haven that protects one from the harsh realities of the dog-eat-dog world? A place where one casts all worries aside and enjoys the merits and joys of family life? Is it really so? For the lucky few, perhaps. Count your blessings. Enjoy and be glad that you have done enough good in your past life to be bestowed with your earned karmic returns. Alas for some, it remains a source of oppression, resentment, anger and unjust. Family... It's supposed to provide you with support, company, care and help.. Kinship and family love are supposed to be unconditional. Yet, it is no free lunch in reality. This support and care on the facade, chains you to a lifetime of obligations. Perhaps I am being extreme... indeed. Don't get me wrong, that I adhore my parents. I don't. I must admit there were times when I felt they could have done some things and handled some issues, or said some things in a better manner. Still, I do honour them. Sibling ties... It's bullshit. Sometimes I really do wonder if having two and more children is a blessing or major source of unhappiness?

  

Dejavu

Same thing once again.

Feels like am on a loop that just won't end... things just keep going in circles.

Being taken for granted again..

It's always about the other party... always.. how much air time did I get? 15 seconds? Indeed, 15 seconds of divided attention. Just mere 15 seconds to share my day and I had to share this air time with someone else. Amazing.

Thank you for telling me just how much you think of me, how important I am.

Do you just so happen to stop rumbling about yourself and casually check on my day for the sake of checking? For the sake of not wanting to appear overly self-centered?

I don't know why but I get this feeling that you aren't even that concerned or interested in what's happened in my day.. you don't ask questions.. you don't sound interested. Ok..Ok..OK..

Decided to be honest and told you I was upset about you being distracted. Yes, no doubt you apologized. But there was more that you could have done. You didn't strike me as sincerely apologetic, to be honest.

I think we just cannot communicate. I'm tired of being the audience.  

Seeking for an equilibrium

I'm not quite sure what this is. I seem to have accepted the previous fall back. Yet, a part of me just doesn't die off. It's almost like an endless pursuit of truth. It bothers me not knowing every single fact as it is - pure, untainted, genuine. That said, it is a pursuit of truth that will never end. How will I ever find out? How can I ever find out? Even if it was to hear it from the horse's mouth, it could probably never be quite as was intentioned in its very heart. How was I to know? Were all those words, all those interests, all those questions laid as a trap for my trust? Was it some concious leading on and manipulation, or was it all from what was felt from within? It made me so scared, so very afraid.

This skeptical nature of mine. Ever always arresting every single bloom. What a double edged sword. A protection mechanism that protected, yet sabotaged.

Perhaps it would do me good, not to scrutinize every single event and detail as signs of heaven's will - that the Almighty says "give up not". Hah. Really silly.

Chance meeting upon chance meeting, events upon events that lead to possible revisitation. Are these mere coincidences? Or signs urging me not to disappear without a trace, without ever trying to reach a closure?

Would I be met with disappointment once more? Alas, there should never have been any expectations in the first place. Without expectation, comes no disappointment; for the heart hurts not, when it yearns for nothing. Would I be offended? I should not. Would I feel sadden? It should not matter at all, whatever the responses may be, for I should not even have to hope for anything. No, nothing at all.

At least I would know that I've tried. Have'nt I tried enough already? When will it ever end? When will it ever reach equilibrium? Only when it reaches a conclusion, will my heart stop flattering.