I'm not quite sure what this is. I seem to have accepted the previous fall back. Yet, a part of me just doesn't die off. It's almost like an endless pursuit of truth. It bothers me not knowing every single fact as it is - pure, untainted, genuine. That said, it is a pursuit of truth that will never end. How will I ever find out? How can I ever find out? Even if it was to hear it from the horse's mouth, it could probably never be quite as was intentioned in its very heart. How was I to know? Were all those words, all those interests, all those questions laid as a trap for my trust? Was it some concious leading on and manipulation, or was it all from what was felt from within? It made me so scared, so very afraid.
This skeptical nature of mine. Ever always arresting every single bloom. What a double edged sword. A protection mechanism that protected, yet sabotaged.
Perhaps it would do me good, not to scrutinize every single event and detail as signs of heaven's will - that the Almighty says "give up not". Hah. Really silly.
Chance meeting upon chance meeting, events upon events that lead to possible revisitation. Are these mere coincidences? Or signs urging me not to disappear without a trace, without ever trying to reach a closure?
Would I be met with disappointment once more? Alas, there should never have been any expectations in the first place. Without expectation, comes no disappointment; for the heart hurts not, when it yearns for nothing. Would I be offended? I should not. Would I feel sadden? It should not matter at all, whatever the responses may be, for I should not even have to hope for anything. No, nothing at all.
At least I would know that I've tried. Have'nt I tried enough already? When will it ever end? When will it ever reach equilibrium? Only when it reaches a conclusion, will my heart stop flattering.
