I figure that I should start writing again. To help keep me sane from this insanely unfortunate, crappy month. I need an outlet to get this negative buildup out of my system... DETOX my inner system is perhaps what you can call this.. verbal detox... I can only complain so much to folks around me and I guess woman being woman.. it is not enough. So there you have it, woman with a mission - airing my grievances.
I cannot help but feel that the past nine and a half months had been a nauseating, gut wrenching, esteem-eroding hell of a tread through the dense torns-a-thousand Poison Ivy marsh. Note that I used past tense not because I've finally emerged victoriously from the marsh, rather, I hope that things will start picking up from this point forth. And, no, it is not motherhood I am battling through as the figures might suggest.
I've finally finished serving a 3 year scholarship bond this year. Yes! I'm finally liberated! Freedom restored! I was happy that I can finally break away from the chains of constraint and perhaps jump into doing something that I've always wanted to do... to try out a different career or to go back to further my education full time with a local university. Seriously, I've always wanted to go back to study full time and graduate with a local, more prestigious degree. Perhaps I'm being lazy, I just wanted the easiest option... I thought of ways in which I could continue to live with my present life style whilst studying. I didn't want to compromise on having to give up my creature comforts... my spending power... so I thought the easiest and best option would be to sign up for another bond, another scholarship so to speak. That would offer me the moolahs to do as I please while getting my piece of cake - studying full time. I cannot be sure if that option was what I really wanted in life. But being myopic and lazy, that was the best option and the easiest deal to clinch, given my past work experience. So, I confidently applied for the scholarship and at the same time, I applied for a place in another local university. To be truthful, I really thought I was going to begin my studies full time this year. I just wanted to leave that bad, outgrown part of me in the past and move on to start afresh with school. Alas, things dragged on and took weeks after months to finally settle.
I was not given the 4-year scholarship. The interviewers for the organization had perhaps picked up my hesistance and uncertainty or this 'I'll-take-whatever-shyt-you-offer-me" kinda attitude. So, it seemed like they would prefer me to take on Plan B - see myself through school and join them 3 years later. My world literally crashed. Guess my confidence of being accepted by them was just spilling over the brim. My bad that I never thought of a real Plan B.. or C.. and I had never really intended on walking the talk about Plan B. I just thought that victory would be mine.
In retrospect, I was never sure of what I wanted. I merely went along with the flow... choosing the easiest way out. I didn't want to make any due sacrifices. I only wanted things to be handed to me on the plate. Lazy.. yes, down right lazy. With no real back up plans in mind, I left my job, thinking that I would eventually go on to school. I wanted to... but I didn't, for things had dragged on for way too long. I wasn't prepared financially to return to school.
So, here I am, in this sorry state that I am in... sitting jobless in the living room, typing my grievances. I've been trying to look for a job. Or rather, a career in which I could see myself doing for the next couple of years. Going back into my old industry would be the easiest option but I really felt that I need the switch. The possibility of a job switch with the previous company dragged on for a couple of months, with me running to different places for interviews and meetings. When the dust finally settled, I was back in square one... I didn't land myself in a different job with the former company. "Wait for it..." was the advice that they gave.
I believe I had learnt my lesson and I wasn't prepared to just wait for them. Just as I am starting to look for a job/ career actively, my health went down the hill. I sprained my ankle and I'm not even sure if it is slowly recovering after 3 miserable weeks... and I've been in and out, visiting the doctor thrice in a month and because of that I've had to reschedule two of the job interviews twice. I don't know what you call this but really, I am speechless.
I really don't know when things will start picking up again. I really hope that this is as low as it gets.
