Guess my name says it all.
"萍~ 一年生草本植物，浮生水面; 多用以喻不定的生活或行踪."
Sounds like I'll always be floating around, without an anchor, without ever taking roots. This doesn't only apply to my career...it applies to basically everything in my life. It defines me. I never really know what I wanted in life. I'll always leave things as they are and go with the ebb and flow of it. Lazy, mindless living...
Perhaps if I were years younger, I could still afford to live life in this way. Now that age is catching up, reality hits. What have I been doing all this while? What have I been building? A 6 year relationship that went to nothing. 3 years of settling for a job that I thought I didn't mind doing. 2 years + of a relationship that I am not even sure today, of where it'll lead to. What is it that I really want?
The latter relationship may eventually lead to the chapel and wedding bells. But is this person really that someone whom I want to settle down with? Or am I deluding myself that he is the best out there that I can get? He told me he has plans... he is even looking at flats and urging me to look at them. I am not certain. I don't have that hunch that tells me to go for it, that tells me that 'Hey, he's the ONE!'.
Instead of feeling strong about this possible union, sixth sense tells me that perhaps he is too, sitting on the fence. Some of his actions don't match his words. I don't know, I'm confused. He's game on hitting the pubs with his male counterparts to meet new girls (albeit bringing me along). That seems like pseudo respect that he is paying to me. Perhaps I really don't know him as a person... or how he is indeed like when he is with someone whom he adores dearly. Or perhaps it'll always be HE, himself that he looks out for first. Maybe I'm asking for the sky when it comes to love and relationships. Perhaps I should grow up and pay little attention to these annoying behaviour. I just feel that he is not stable yet... perhaps half done... in the middle of being mature and immature. Do I still have the time and patience to take a gamble at him possibly maturing in time?
I cannot change a person... I can only hope that he'll change for the better. I cannot change or force someone to do my bidding... to get him to deal with matters in my way. All I want is a simple, genuine, open and honest relationship... someone who is constantly mindful of his own actions. Someone who follows through with what he says... cos flipping and changing at whim totally confuses this pea-sized brain of mine.
I really look forward to the day where I needn't complain, whine or find excuses for some of the things done by the significant other. I am tired of correcting, of 'training', of using little tricks to entice him in doing things acceptable to me. I really look forward to the day where I can stand up and proudly announce to the world that 'Yes, THIS is THE MAN! and I LOVE HIM JUST AS HE IS!'
Maybe I should be a little wayward too... be less of a goodytwoshoes... be less considerate. To really start living and enjoying what life has to offer. It doesn't pay to be the good, for you'll always be taken advantaged of.
