This is it. It is over. I'm calling it quits.
I cannot believe I've been led on a walk in the garden again...by the same someone. It seems pretty much that I have not learnt my lesson, have I?! Or am I placing too much faith on the 'innate' good of mankind - that people are generally sincere, and wants to do good. Man, I felt like I've been slapped in the face with a wake-up call!
So, an invitation was thrown and initiated by Someone on the grounds of catching up like good, old friends do. The virtual exchange about the invitation was amicable, jovial and somewhat enthusiastic. Maybe even eager. So it was arranged that a catch-up would be due in a week and a half's time and that Someone would intiate contact when the date draws near. All seemed well. I thought perhaps the universe has decided that 'hey, this is a good time for this little soul who-has-been-yankering-still-for-the-past to finally be bestowed with a chance to perhaps rewrite history or to finally close that chapter in the book in a gentle, no-regrets kinda way.' Indeed, closing that chapter we are, saying goodbye we are, but I am slamming that book shut!
To say that I was looking at having a turn in the nature of our relationship would be unfair. For, though I secretly did think about it, it IS not possible given the many other factors and issues involved. So, I was approaching this relationship with a platonic agenda - what the social gurus called 'profane relationship' point of view. Think about it as network, as making one more friend than an enemy. I seriously have no idea what happened... perhaps I sounded that I was still reminiscing about the past?!? perhaps I sounded way too cheeky and colloquial, to the point where Someone misread whatever I said.
*shrugs*
So, a week passed...with a couple of days to the appointment. Silence.
2 days left... Silence.
24 hours left... Silence.
12 hours left... Silence.
I gave up. I had to find out. Intuitively, I had a feeling I was gonna be played out; it is after all, not the first time. Silly, huh?
So I checked and back came the reply that by heaven's wicked will, Someone has been made to be unavailable due to 'unforeseen' circumstances that decided to spring an attack, well, coincidentally at the hour when my question was thrown. Hi, Dejavu! Alternative suggestions were given BUT were coincidentally unsuitable for my schedule which had already been made known weeks ago. What can I say? Going all the way out to retract an agreement without appearing overtly in doing so?! What a skilled master!
Seriously, what I am miffed about is not about the appointment not taking place, as much as it is about sincerity and attitude! This is me, really, taking off my rose-tinted shades and breaking it into pieces! To think that I still hold a regard for that Someone who had been someone unreliable! What was I thinking?! Jesus.
This spells pretty much, a 'couldn't be bothered' attitude when I had in the first place offered an opportunity for this Someone to slip away with a retraction before an official arrangement was made. To have understood that and later disregarding it, is akin to declaring war. It is as good as telling me "I don't really care what you'll feel. I don't value your friendship" - I am your fiend.
Oh gosh. Is this how we treat friends? The most ridiculous part of this saga is that this Someone didn't even have the decency of informing the other party about the supposedly unforeseen unavailabillity. I might have assumed things will proceed as mentioned and end up making a 90 minutes trip over, only to find that I was to be stood up. That was REALLY thoughtful. An adult's sense of responsibility and maturity, indeed. Thumbs up!
Hadn't it even occur to this Someone that I had to make concessions in my schedule for the appointment to come to fruition? That it incurred opportunity costs? To the hell with your ego-centrism and such disregard with my time! Fuck you! Or is this taking a stab at revenge for an unrequited affection?! Holy Moly.
Know what? Maybe I've been brainwashed and deluded by this Other one that Someone is a kind, good-natured, nice person. Cannot believe my stupidity! I've just turned myself into a carpet! "Welcome!"- You can all come step all over me. Fuck.
It's sad... networking is all I've got in my bag. It is sadder to know this is how Someone values the friendship of another. I have wasted much time and energy invested into this node of a network. And without regrets, with only pity (not for myself) that this is a faulty node that I'll just have to pluck and dispose of.
Farewell.
