Dejavu

Same thing once again.

Feels like am on a loop that just won't end... things just keep going in circles.

Being taken for granted again..

It's always about the other party... always.. how much air time did I get? 15 seconds? Indeed, 15 seconds of divided attention. Just mere 15 seconds to share my day and I had to share this air time with someone else. Amazing.

Thank you for telling me just how much you think of me, how important I am.

Do you just so happen to stop rumbling about yourself and casually check on my day for the sake of checking? For the sake of not wanting to appear overly self-centered?

I don't know why but I get this feeling that you aren't even that concerned or interested in what's happened in my day.. you don't ask questions.. you don't sound interested. Ok..Ok..OK..

Decided to be honest and told you I was upset about you being distracted. Yes, no doubt you apologized. But there was more that you could have done. You didn't strike me as sincerely apologetic, to be honest.

I think we just cannot communicate. I'm tired of being the audience.  

Seeking for an equilibrium

I'm not quite sure what this is. I seem to have accepted the previous fall back. Yet, a part of me just doesn't die off. It's almost like an endless pursuit of truth. It bothers me not knowing every single fact as it is - pure, untainted, genuine. That said, it is a pursuit of truth that will never end. How will I ever find out? How can I ever find out? Even if it was to hear it from the horse's mouth, it could probably never be quite as was intentioned in its very heart. How was I to know? Were all those words, all those interests, all those questions laid as a trap for my trust? Was it some concious leading on and manipulation, or was it all from what was felt from within? It made me so scared, so very afraid.

This skeptical nature of mine. Ever always arresting every single bloom. What a double edged sword. A protection mechanism that protected, yet sabotaged.

Perhaps it would do me good, not to scrutinize every single event and detail as signs of heaven's will - that the Almighty says "give up not". Hah. Really silly.

Chance meeting upon chance meeting, events upon events that lead to possible revisitation. Are these mere coincidences? Or signs urging me not to disappear without a trace, without ever trying to reach a closure?

Would I be met with disappointment once more? Alas, there should never have been any expectations in the first place. Without expectation, comes no disappointment; for the heart hurts not, when it yearns for nothing. Would I be offended? I should not. Would I feel sadden? It should not matter at all, whatever the responses may be, for I should not even have to hope for anything. No, nothing at all.

At least I would know that I've tried. Have'nt I tried enough already? When will it ever end? When will it ever reach equilibrium? Only when it reaches a conclusion, will my heart stop flattering.  

Moi non plus

This is it. It is over. I'm calling it quits.

I cannot believe I've been led on a walk in the garden again...by the same someone. It seems pretty much that I have not learnt my lesson, have I?! Or am I placing too much faith on the 'innate' good of mankind - that people are generally sincere, and wants to do good. Man, I felt like I've been slapped in the face with a wake-up call!

So, an invitation was thrown and initiated by Someone on the grounds of catching up like good, old friends do. The virtual exchange about the invitation was amicable, jovial and somewhat enthusiastic. Maybe even eager. So it was arranged that a catch-up would be due in a week and a half's time and that Someone would intiate contact when the date draws near. All seemed well. I thought perhaps the universe has decided that 'hey, this is a good time for this little soul who-has-been-yankering-still-for-the-past to finally be bestowed with a chance to perhaps rewrite history or to finally close that chapter in the book in a gentle, no-regrets kinda way.' Indeed, closing that chapter we are, saying goodbye we are, but I am slamming that book shut! 

To say that I was looking at having a turn in the nature of our relationship would be unfair. For, though I secretly did think about it, it IS not possible given the many other factors and issues involved. So, I was approaching this relationship with a platonic agenda - what the social gurus called 'profane relationship' point of view. Think about it as network, as making one more friend than an enemy. I seriously have no idea what happened... perhaps I sounded that I was still reminiscing about the past?!? perhaps I sounded way too cheeky and colloquial, to the point where Someone misread whatever I said. 

*shrugs*

 So, a week passed...with a couple of days to the appointment. Silence.

2 days left... Silence.

24 hours left... Silence.

12 hours left... Silence.

I gave up. I had to find out. Intuitively, I had a feeling I was gonna be played out; it is after all, not the first time. Silly, huh?

So I checked and back came the reply that by heaven's wicked will, Someone has been made to be unavailable due to 'unforeseen' circumstances that decided to spring an attack, well, coincidentally at the hour when my question was thrown. Hi, Dejavu! Alternative suggestions were given BUT were coincidentally unsuitable for my schedule which had already been made known weeks ago. What can I say? Going all the way out to retract an agreement without appearing overtly in doing so?! What a skilled master! 

Seriously, what I am miffed about is not about the appointment not taking place, as much as it is about sincerity and attitude! This is me, really, taking off my rose-tinted shades and breaking it into pieces! To think that I still hold a regard for that Someone who had been someone unreliable! What was I thinking?! Jesus.

This spells pretty much, a 'couldn't be bothered' attitude when I had in the first place offered an opportunity for this Someone to slip away with a retraction before an official arrangement was made. To have understood that and later disregarding it, is akin to declaring war. It is as good as telling me "I don't really care what you'll feel. I don't value your friendship" - I am your fiend.

Oh gosh. Is this how we treat friends? The most ridiculous part of this saga is that this Someone didn't even have the decency of informing the other party about the supposedly unforeseen unavailabillity. I might have assumed things will proceed as mentioned and end up making a 90 minutes trip over, only to find that I was to be stood up. That was REALLY thoughtful. An adult's sense of responsibility and maturity, indeed. Thumbs up!

Hadn't it even occur to this Someone that I had to make concessions in my schedule for the appointment to come to fruition? That it incurred opportunity costs? To the hell with your ego-centrism and such disregard with my time! Fuck you! Or is this taking a stab at revenge for an unrequited affection?! Holy Moly.  

Know what? Maybe I've been brainwashed and deluded by this Other one that Someone is a kind, good-natured, nice person. Cannot believe my stupidity! I've just turned myself into a carpet! "Welcome!"- You can all come step all over me. Fuck.

It's sad... networking is all I've got in my bag. It is sadder to know this is how Someone values the friendship of another. I have wasted much time and energy invested into this node of a network. And without regrets, with only pity (not for myself) that this is a faulty node that I'll just have to pluck and dispose of.  

Farewell.

Mercredi: Treize

Just when I thought the dust have settled. It's just gotten stirred up once more.

I seriously don't know what life wants out of me... One moment it's gone, dead and silent. The next moment, it comes back again. Strangely coincidental uncanny timing; at the point when the termination button had been pushed.

Is there no end to this liaison? Meant to be? Some karma cycle going on? Or that the Supreme being up there thinks, "Naddah! Not time yet! Let's put you through some rigorous tests to make certain that you've snapped out of that loop!"

Maybe. A test.

Or perhaps, really, a final au revoir.

Would the decision that I make in compliance to perhaps, desire and pity cause me to have further regrets? Would it rouse even more, the hidden emotions of the heart while shaking up the skeletons in the closet?

Would I not be able to pull away again?

Or perhaps, to face it with courage and a determination to put things straight - would finally allow me to end this cyclical damage of self defeat. Maybe that is why. An opportunity to finally let that last speck of dust set; to be freed.

Or a chance to really examine what is it that I want.

Embrace it, tackle it and face it straight on with good faith.

Only time will tell.

C'est vous - Número seises

Thought I'll do a little writing before I begin the ardous journey through 'readings-never-end', and yes, I mean it. It will never end. Guess as always, like cliches... life is always full of ups and downs. Indeedy, I've had my share of terrifically marvelous flowers-in-bloom, sultry delightful moments of summer warmth and have had weathered raging storms, all in the span of six months. It's strange to think just how sometimes life plays out for one.

Had it been exciting? Yups! Had it been painful? Yups! Are there any regrets? ....

I would love to claim membership to the 'live life with no regrets' club..alas, no such luck. Or rather I lack that part of a character in me. I whip the dead horse too much, way too much. Trust me when I say you don't need the meat grinder for your meatloaf. 

I haven't been able to look past a certain point in history. It seems like time has come to a standstill. It keeps bringing me back to that point in time, like an old broken record on loop. It's like there is this invisible thread binding me to it. I've been trying to cut it, to server it. I'm ashamed to say I haven't been able to snap out of it. 

I couldn't quite help but think back to those times.

Fear held me back. 

Memories are what's holding me back.

Memories are so powerful. They're tucked nice and snug somewhere deep in your concious being; sheltered, protected and accessible to no one but you. In times of nostalgia, you conveniently retrieve it from the archives and run it through once again like a film on screen. You pause to savour again the moments that thrilled your senses, that made your heart flutter and skip a beat. You wish for unfulfilling moments to have never been captured in history, in record. C'est impossible.

Perhaps I am a little masochistic. To keep putting those memories on replay and allowing its toxin to rupture in the heart. How silly.

Regrets. Maybe life would have played out another way if I had reacted differently. Perhaps I wouldn't be typing this silly little entry had I made a different decision. Or I possibly could be typing another post about a whole new topic altogether.

It could have gone either way. I can never be sure if the other way would not leave me far more bitter than I had been. In retrospect, perhaps somethings are never meant to be... for a reason or another. Pity, yes it is. But even more so if I keep latching on to the past.

It's good time that I should let it go, release it and allow it to sail away with time. 

It's pointless to hold on to it for I can never revert time, can never get back to that point in time to change anything. 

Let go and be gone.  

萍~ 一年生草本植物，浮生水面; 多用以喻不定的生活或行踪

Guess my name says it all.

"萍~ 一年生草本植物，浮生水面; 多用以喻不定的生活或行踪."

Sounds like I'll always be floating around, without an anchor, without ever taking roots. This doesn't only apply to my career...it applies to basically everything in my life. It defines me. I never really know what I wanted in life. I'll always leave things as they are and go with the ebb and flow of it. Lazy, mindless living... 

Perhaps if I were years younger, I could still afford to live life in this way. Now that age is catching up, reality hits. What have I been doing all this while? What have I been building? A 6 year relationship that went to nothing. 3 years of settling for a job that I thought I didn't mind doing. 2 years + of a relationship that I am not even sure today, of where it'll lead to. What is it that I really want?

The latter relationship may eventually lead to the chapel and wedding bells. But is this person really that someone whom I want to settle down with? Or am I deluding myself that he is the best out there that I can get? He told me he has plans... he is even looking at flats and urging me to look at them. I am not certain. I don't have that hunch that tells me to go for it, that tells me that 'Hey, he's the ONE!'.

Instead of feeling strong about this possible union, sixth sense tells me that perhaps he is too, sitting on the fence. Some of his actions don't match his words. I don't know, I'm confused. He's game on hitting the pubs with his male counterparts to meet new girls (albeit bringing me along). That seems like pseudo respect that he is paying to me. Perhaps I really don't know him as a person... or how he is indeed like when he is with someone whom he adores dearly. Or perhaps it'll always be HE, himself that he looks out for first. Maybe I'm asking for the sky when it comes to love and relationships. Perhaps I should grow up and pay little attention to these annoying behaviour. I just feel that he is not stable yet... perhaps half done... in the middle  of being mature and immature. Do I still have the time and patience to take a gamble at him possibly maturing in time?

I cannot change a person... I can only hope that he'll change for the better. I cannot change or force someone to do my bidding... to get him to deal with matters in my way. All I want is a simple, genuine, open and honest relationship... someone who is constantly mindful of his own actions. Someone who follows through with what he says... cos flipping and changing at whim totally confuses this pea-sized brain of mine.

I really look forward to the day where I needn't complain, whine or find excuses for some of the things done by the significant other. I am tired of correcting, of 'training', of using little tricks to entice him in doing things acceptable to me. I really look forward to the day where I can stand up and proudly announce to the world that 'Yes, THIS is THE MAN! and I LOVE HIM JUST AS HE IS!'

Maybe I should be a little wayward too... be less of a goodytwoshoes... be less considerate. To really start living and enjoying what life has to offer. It doesn't pay to be the good, for you'll always be taken advantaged of.

My happy ending? (´∩｀。)グスン

I figure that I should start writing again. To help keep me sane from this insanely unfortunate, crappy month. I need an outlet to get this negative buildup out of my system... DETOX my inner system is perhaps what you can call this.. verbal detox... I can only complain so much to folks around me and I guess woman being woman.. it is not enough. So there you have it, woman with a mission - airing my grievances.

I cannot help but feel that the past nine and a half months had been a nauseating, gut wrenching, esteem-eroding hell of a tread through the dense torns-a-thousand Poison Ivy marsh. Note that I used past tense not because I've finally emerged victoriously from the marsh, rather, I hope that things will start picking up from this point forth. And, no, it is not motherhood I am battling through as the figures might suggest.

I've finally finished serving a 3 year scholarship bond this year. Yes! I'm finally liberated! Freedom restored! I was happy that I can finally break away from the chains of constraint and perhaps jump into doing something that I've always wanted to do... to try out a different career or to go back to further my education full time with a local university. Seriously, I've always wanted to go back to study full time and graduate with a local, more prestigious degree. Perhaps I'm being lazy, I just wanted the easiest option... I thought of ways in which I could continue to live with my present life style whilst studying. I didn't want to compromise on having to give up my creature comforts... my spending power... so I thought the easiest and best option would be to sign up for another bond, another scholarship so to speak. That would offer me the moolahs to do as I please while getting my piece of cake - studying full time. I cannot be sure if that option was what I really wanted in life. But being myopic and lazy, that was the best option and the easiest deal to clinch, given my past work experience. So, I confidently applied for the scholarship and at the same time, I applied for a place in another local university. To be truthful, I really thought I was going to begin my studies full time this year. I just wanted to leave that bad, outgrown part of me in the past and move on to start afresh with school. Alas, things dragged on and took weeks after months to finally settle.

I was not given the 4-year scholarship. The interviewers for the organization had perhaps picked up my hesistance and uncertainty or this 'I'll-take-whatever-shyt-you-offer-me" kinda attitude. So, it seemed like they would prefer me to take on Plan B - see myself through school and join them 3 years later. My world literally crashed. Guess my confidence of being accepted by them was just spilling over the brim. My bad that I never thought of a real Plan B.. or C.. and I had never really intended on walking the talk about Plan B. I just thought that victory would be mine.

In retrospect, I was never sure of what I wanted. I merely went along with the flow... choosing the easiest way out. I didn't want to make any due sacrifices. I only wanted things to be handed to me on the plate. Lazy.. yes, down right lazy. With no real back up plans in mind, I left my job, thinking that I would eventually go on to school. I wanted to... but I didn't, for things had dragged on for way too long. I wasn't prepared financially to return to school.

So, here I am, in this sorry state that I am in... sitting jobless in the living room, typing my grievances. I've been trying to look for a job. Or rather, a career in which I could see myself doing for the next couple of years. Going back into my old industry would be the easiest option but I really felt that I need the switch. The possibility of a job switch with the previous company dragged on for a couple of months, with me running to different places for interviews and meetings. When the dust finally settled, I was back in square one... I didn't land myself in a different job with the former company. "Wait for it..." was the advice that they gave.

I believe I had learnt my lesson and I wasn't prepared to just wait for them. Just as I am starting to look for a job/ career actively, my health went down the hill. I sprained my ankle and I'm not even sure if it is slowly recovering after 3 miserable weeks... and I've been in and out, visiting the doctor thrice in a month and because of that I've had to reschedule two of the job interviews twice. I don't know what you call this but really, I am speechless.

I really don't know when things will start picking up again. I really hope that this is as low as it gets.