C'est vous - Número seises

Thought I'll do a little writing before I begin the ardous journey through 'readings-never-end', and yes, I mean it. It will never end. Guess as always, like cliches... life is always full of ups and downs. Indeedy, I've had my share of terrifically marvelous flowers-in-bloom, sultry delightful moments of summer warmth and have had weathered raging storms, all in the span of six months. It's strange to think just how sometimes life plays out for one.

Had it been exciting? Yups! Had it been painful? Yups! Are there any regrets? ....

I would love to claim membership to the 'live life with no regrets' club..alas, no such luck. Or rather I lack that part of a character in me. I whip the dead horse too much, way too much. Trust me when I say you don't need the meat grinder for your meatloaf. 

I haven't been able to look past a certain point in history. It seems like time has come to a standstill. It keeps bringing me back to that point in time, like an old broken record on loop. It's like there is this invisible thread binding me to it. I've been trying to cut it, to server it. I'm ashamed to say I haven't been able to snap out of it. 

I couldn't quite help but think back to those times.

Fear held me back. 

Memories are what's holding me back.

Memories are so powerful. They're tucked nice and snug somewhere deep in your concious being; sheltered, protected and accessible to no one but you. In times of nostalgia, you conveniently retrieve it from the archives and run it through once again like a film on screen. You pause to savour again the moments that thrilled your senses, that made your heart flutter and skip a beat. You wish for unfulfilling moments to have never been captured in history, in record. C'est impossible.

Perhaps I am a little masochistic. To keep putting those memories on replay and allowing its toxin to rupture in the heart. How silly.

Regrets. Maybe life would have played out another way if I had reacted differently. Perhaps I wouldn't be typing this silly little entry had I made a different decision. Or I possibly could be typing another post about a whole new topic altogether.

It could have gone either way. I can never be sure if the other way would not leave me far more bitter than I had been. In retrospect, perhaps somethings are never meant to be... for a reason or another. Pity, yes it is. But even more so if I keep latching on to the past.

It's good time that I should let it go, release it and allow it to sail away with time. 

It's pointless to hold on to it for I can never revert time, can never get back to that point in time to change anything. 

Let go and be gone.  

萍~ 一年生草本植物，浮生水面; 多用以喻不定的生活或行踪

Guess my name says it all.

"萍~ 一年生草本植物，浮生水面; 多用以喻不定的生活或行踪."

Sounds like I'll always be floating around, without an anchor, without ever taking roots. This doesn't only apply to my career...it applies to basically everything in my life. It defines me. I never really know what I wanted in life. I'll always leave things as they are and go with the ebb and flow of it. Lazy, mindless living... 

Perhaps if I were years younger, I could still afford to live life in this way. Now that age is catching up, reality hits. What have I been doing all this while? What have I been building? A 6 year relationship that went to nothing. 3 years of settling for a job that I thought I didn't mind doing. 2 years + of a relationship that I am not even sure today, of where it'll lead to. What is it that I really want?

The latter relationship may eventually lead to the chapel and wedding bells. But is this person really that someone whom I want to settle down with? Or am I deluding myself that he is the best out there that I can get? He told me he has plans... he is even looking at flats and urging me to look at them. I am not certain. I don't have that hunch that tells me to go for it, that tells me that 'Hey, he's the ONE!'.

Instead of feeling strong about this possible union, sixth sense tells me that perhaps he is too, sitting on the fence. Some of his actions don't match his words. I don't know, I'm confused. He's game on hitting the pubs with his male counterparts to meet new girls (albeit bringing me along). That seems like pseudo respect that he is paying to me. Perhaps I really don't know him as a person... or how he is indeed like when he is with someone whom he adores dearly. Or perhaps it'll always be HE, himself that he looks out for first. Maybe I'm asking for the sky when it comes to love and relationships. Perhaps I should grow up and pay little attention to these annoying behaviour. I just feel that he is not stable yet... perhaps half done... in the middle  of being mature and immature. Do I still have the time and patience to take a gamble at him possibly maturing in time?

I cannot change a person... I can only hope that he'll change for the better. I cannot change or force someone to do my bidding... to get him to deal with matters in my way. All I want is a simple, genuine, open and honest relationship... someone who is constantly mindful of his own actions. Someone who follows through with what he says... cos flipping and changing at whim totally confuses this pea-sized brain of mine.

I really look forward to the day where I needn't complain, whine or find excuses for some of the things done by the significant other. I am tired of correcting, of 'training', of using little tricks to entice him in doing things acceptable to me. I really look forward to the day where I can stand up and proudly announce to the world that 'Yes, THIS is THE MAN! and I LOVE HIM JUST AS HE IS!'

Maybe I should be a little wayward too... be less of a goodytwoshoes... be less considerate. To really start living and enjoying what life has to offer. It doesn't pay to be the good, for you'll always be taken advantaged of.

My happy ending? (´∩｀。)グスン

I figure that I should start writing again. To help keep me sane from this insanely unfortunate, crappy month. I need an outlet to get this negative buildup out of my system... DETOX my inner system is perhaps what you can call this.. verbal detox... I can only complain so much to folks around me and I guess woman being woman.. it is not enough. So there you have it, woman with a mission - airing my grievances.

I cannot help but feel that the past nine and a half months had been a nauseating, gut wrenching, esteem-eroding hell of a tread through the dense torns-a-thousand Poison Ivy marsh. Note that I used past tense not because I've finally emerged victoriously from the marsh, rather, I hope that things will start picking up from this point forth. And, no, it is not motherhood I am battling through as the figures might suggest.

I've finally finished serving a 3 year scholarship bond this year. Yes! I'm finally liberated! Freedom restored! I was happy that I can finally break away from the chains of constraint and perhaps jump into doing something that I've always wanted to do... to try out a different career or to go back to further my education full time with a local university. Seriously, I've always wanted to go back to study full time and graduate with a local, more prestigious degree. Perhaps I'm being lazy, I just wanted the easiest option... I thought of ways in which I could continue to live with my present life style whilst studying. I didn't want to compromise on having to give up my creature comforts... my spending power... so I thought the easiest and best option would be to sign up for another bond, another scholarship so to speak. That would offer me the moolahs to do as I please while getting my piece of cake - studying full time. I cannot be sure if that option was what I really wanted in life. But being myopic and lazy, that was the best option and the easiest deal to clinch, given my past work experience. So, I confidently applied for the scholarship and at the same time, I applied for a place in another local university. To be truthful, I really thought I was going to begin my studies full time this year. I just wanted to leave that bad, outgrown part of me in the past and move on to start afresh with school. Alas, things dragged on and took weeks after months to finally settle.

I was not given the 4-year scholarship. The interviewers for the organization had perhaps picked up my hesistance and uncertainty or this 'I'll-take-whatever-shyt-you-offer-me" kinda attitude. So, it seemed like they would prefer me to take on Plan B - see myself through school and join them 3 years later. My world literally crashed. Guess my confidence of being accepted by them was just spilling over the brim. My bad that I never thought of a real Plan B.. or C.. and I had never really intended on walking the talk about Plan B. I just thought that victory would be mine.

In retrospect, I was never sure of what I wanted. I merely went along with the flow... choosing the easiest way out. I didn't want to make any due sacrifices. I only wanted things to be handed to me on the plate. Lazy.. yes, down right lazy. With no real back up plans in mind, I left my job, thinking that I would eventually go on to school. I wanted to... but I didn't, for things had dragged on for way too long. I wasn't prepared financially to return to school.

So, here I am, in this sorry state that I am in... sitting jobless in the living room, typing my grievances. I've been trying to look for a job. Or rather, a career in which I could see myself doing for the next couple of years. Going back into my old industry would be the easiest option but I really felt that I need the switch. The possibility of a job switch with the previous company dragged on for a couple of months, with me running to different places for interviews and meetings. When the dust finally settled, I was back in square one... I didn't land myself in a different job with the former company. "Wait for it..." was the advice that they gave.

I believe I had learnt my lesson and I wasn't prepared to just wait for them. Just as I am starting to look for a job/ career actively, my health went down the hill. I sprained my ankle and I'm not even sure if it is slowly recovering after 3 miserable weeks... and I've been in and out, visiting the doctor thrice in a month and because of that I've had to reschedule two of the job interviews twice. I don't know what you call this but really, I am speechless.

I really don't know when things will start picking up again. I really hope that this is as low as it gets.   

On the many horns of the many dilemmas - Journey 26.10

I'm sitting in front of the lappie, doing my weekly "skin-ripping" face mask while painting my nails in [I'm fondue of you] on this blue Monday night. It is good.. sometimes, to have a little 'me time'... a little solitary moment.

Watched [Marley & Me] over the weekend. It is not a bad flick though I find that the story was more about John Grogan, Jen and his brood... not SO much about Marley as typical Japanese doggie films would have depicted. So, the movie title didn't really suit the movie.. (as of how it had been filmed) I haven't read the book, so, can't comment much on the literature. I thought a name like [The life of John Grogan] would have been more suitable. There is nothing really significant about "Marley and John" except that the former had been a notorious, hard-to-train alpha pooch and the latter is well, just your regular likable John. Anyhow, watch that show for yourself. I like the character played by Jennifer Aniston. She's someone whom has had insanity moments, outbursts and the sanity at the end of the day to understand what ultimately went wrong, the issues behind her anger... and the courage to own up and apologize when due. These are qualities that not many women have... I can say. It is a good learning pointer. =)

I haven't been thinking about the things that I should be thinking. About school, career, choices, wants, needs, steps... I simply ABHORE making "life-changing" decisions... when I am not at all certain of what I ultimately want or do not want. Every decision made involves opportunity costs... It is not all that simple to identify the cost variances of each choice that is to be made... An economist probably wouldn't even be able to help me on this one. Aiks.

How many more cross roads am I going to come to in this journey of life? Why does it seem like some people have it easier when it comes to making life choices and directions? Are they born with a map that tells them where to head? Or am I born without a map, or was I born with one but I got lost as I didn't even have a minute sense of some navigation skills?

I hate this part of the journey. Absolutely hate it.

Triumph Warehouse Sale!!~ Armor Re-stocking Spree!! [Part 1]

Ah... have been wanting to do this for a longggggg time. I only heard about the Triumph warehouse sale around 1 - 2 years ago. I prefer Triumph-made armor for its quality and durability but I soooo hate its price. To be fair, most good quality chest shields don't come cheap. Those in the bargain bins come 'wireless' and wrinkles faster than pitted prunes. So naturally, when I heard of such a sale, I was tempted to go. Well, I was only tempted for I was skeptical of the products that will be put on sale... they could be wireless, granny-looking or 'sizeless', so to speak. A search on the net gave little information on the loot that the "bra-ndits" snapped up at the huha sale. Still the forumers on flowerpod.com.sg provided just enough to drive my turnip legs on the move.

The 1st Triumph sale that I went to was held at The Chevron,which is quite a distance from my residence. To beat the crowd, I had to rise before the birdies do and make my way to 48 Boon Lay Way, eyes half closed. (Seriously, I'm exaggerating =p) We got there early, before the doors were opened. And yes, ladies, lasses, aunties and grannies were already planting themselves strategically before the doors. The doors opened at 10 a.m. sharp and you could tell from the expressions of the Triumph staff that a great battle lies ahead.

The hall was spacious and had as many as 50 bins neatly filled with an assortment of padded chest shields, skimpy groin cloths as well as chlorine tolerant ones too. Carton boxes which I believe the treasures laid were stacked on the hall stage. Oh yes, do not arm yourself with any "hand-carriers"/ "shoulder-hangers" for they will only impede your progress to the beckoning bins. You will be stopped at the entrance for the staff to commit the suffocating act on your handbags/ carriers - sealing your bags in plastic. With just me and my wristlet, I walked in hands free and bags free.... liberating me with that extra nano second to lay my hands on that "nami-nami" look-alike seamless wonder bra.

So 1 lesson for you... do not carry bags at all. You will have that extra second to reach for that last piece of wonder treasure before any saddled bra-ndits could.

2nd lesson... be barbaric... well, not to the point where you start bashing people up, yanking some poor folks' hair... just erm, rumage through the bins..."ransack" them... the items in there are meant to be tossed around and messed up. It's chaos, no law and order in here.

Triumph staff do replenish the stock, so do keep your eyes peel and play eye hawk. Good stuff are snatched up fast! If you ever visit any of these well advertised Triumph ware house sale, you will see a many bra-ndits lugging gigantic bags of padded armor which would cause your imagination to run wild... titsathousand? Trust me, no amount of cajoling will make them release their clutches on their precious stash. So, it's finders, keepers!

Prices for the chest binders could range from 3 for $15 to 3 for $45 and 5 for $10 / 5 for $15 for the bottom huggers. Bathing suits are priced at $10 a piece (top or bottom).

Being inexperience, I kinda overspent during my 1st visit. The damage for the wallet was around $120+ for 6 bras and I-lost-count panties. I kinda stuck to picking up items from the same discount bin... to make up to the count. Sticking to the same discount bins also made me brought home some that I didn't like that much. In actualty, you don't have to stick to picking up exactly 3 items from the same discount range. You can pick up just 1 item and the price will be calculated according to its discount range. For instance, you picked a top from the 3 for $45 bin... so that top would be charged at $15. In this way, you do save quite a bit and yet get the items that you really want.

The 2nd warehouse sale that I went to was also held at the same place. This time round, I was a lot more toned down and wasn't as aggressive as I was during my 1st visit. I didn't spend much, bought a couple of essentials and daily wear. So the damage was considerably milder. Around 60 bucks I guess.

My 3rd visit was the most pleasant one of all. This time round it was held at Orchid Country Club. It wasn't very publicised and so, there weren't many people. I could sashay my way in and out, between bins. I bought around 6 bras and 6 panties for approximately 60 bucks. Well, like the saying goes, a picture paints a thousand words...

The Nami-Nami nemesis - Managed to lay my hands on just one during the last sale.
These were hot favourites! Those bra-ndits that I met during the 1st sale had mountains of them heaped over their arms ~__~`

Look at the seamless curves~~ Lovely!!

On the left is what they called the 'seamless maximizer'. On the right, it's more of a racer back Sloggi sports bra lookalike. Honestly, I won't use these as sportsbra. It'll land you in cardiac arrest.

Tag ripped off the cups.. "Up Up" ♪└∵┐♪└∵┘♪┌∵┘♪

These are front clasp shields, as such, do get one size bigger, one cup smaller. It will be less suffocating, trust me. ε=ε=ε=ε┏(●´Д｀●)┛まて〜

Pretty and comfy underpants =D
Those on the left are uber comfy and thin.
Come to think of it, those that I picked are mostly thin （⌒▽⌒ゞ テレルネ

Okay, I figured that I'll write this in 3 instalments. So here's the 1st part to our Armor Spree. Look out for the 2nd part where I will combine some other finds from the Triumph Warehouse spree. Watch out, more humps ahead! (▼ω▼)ｼﾞｰｰ

Sinusities

I went for a nasopharyngoscope, that is essentially inserting a fiberoptic, flexible tube through the nose. A very interesting "burrow-like" landscape flashed on the television in front of the 'dentist' chair that I was sitting on. It's a medical procedure that allows the otorhinolaryngologist to find out what went wrong with my nose, the blockages and all. Prior to the insertion of the camera tube, he sprayed this decongestant agent into my nose which numbed my nose and throat some what. The scan revealed that I have a 'crooked' nose, so to speak.

As is illustrated on the photograph, the left side of my nose has a somewhat convex shape while the right side is straight and well. In other words, my frequent nasal congestion has got to do with the anatomical structure of my nose as it blocks and reduces the space in the passageway. Seriously, I didn't think I would have a 'crooked' nose on the inside for it certainly didn't seem that way on the outside.

They put me through this skin-prick test to test for signs of allergy - mainly outdoor and indoor allergens. These allergens were extracted in its purest form and stored in mini glass bottles. The entire procedure was a rather simple one which took approximately 30 minutes to complete. The nurse dab a drop of allergen esscence each onto the skin in a systematic fashion - for her recording purposes. I do not remember how many bottles there were. On my right hand were the essence of the outdoor allergens such as palm, bermuda grass and some other weird ferns and shrubs. On my left were the more common aggressors - the indoor allergens the likes of pets (dogs & cats lander), dust mites, mixed mites, roaches. After dabbing these essences, the nurse pricked the areas on my skin gently with a tiny needle and I was left to read up on some allergy & allergent brochure.

Certain areas on my skin turned red and itchy. There was also a slightly raised bump on the affected areas. Any bump that is more than 3mm deems that you're allergic to that particular allergen. So, as expected I am allergic to dust mites, mixed mites. I didn't think I would be allergic to "horror!" dogs and cats... as well as the common "I-am-everywhere" bermuda grass. Dreads. Nurse Jane jokingly suggested that I should migrate to Alaska and be neighbours with Sarah Palin. She is a funny and friendly nurse.

I've been put on Telfast and Flaxonase for 30 days . The doc said I would have to do a review after a month of medication. Dreads. My poor kidneys.

He may discuss the option of surgery should nasal congestion continue to bug me during the course of the prescribed medication. Heee, I should perhaps make things worse and get him to give me a rhinoplasty while straightening out the convex anatonomical part.

Oh, I got myself an Eyore toy to replace my 3 year old grey dolphin plush. According to Nurse Jane, god knows how many tons of dustmites and mite poos are in that toy.

It's shopping every night - Browser window shopping Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ

I've been shopping and shopping and shopping every night, every week virtually. It's all done in the comfort of my own home, sitting snugly in my armchair, at my own convenience. Hah!

ワーイ♪＼(^ω^＼)( /^ω^)/ワーイ♪

I must be having this online spree buying fever... let me count off the items I have racked off the web... I am currently waiting for my stash from:

Drugstore.com:

• Burt's Bee Apricot Baby Oil

Nordstrom:

• Bare Escentuals® Mineral Veil
• Bare Escentuals® Flawless Application Face Brush
• Too Faced 'Flatbuki' Brush

Target.com:

• Sonia Kashuk Hidden Agenda Concealer

EverydayMinerals.com:

• Base powder in Light Olive, Beige - light medium and Buff - light medium neutral
• Cheek colour in Sheen Snuggle and Lucent Soft Touch
• Face rice powder in fair
• Long handled kabuki brush

Goodness gracious me.... that's a whole lot of stuff. Sheesh. Seriously, I have to say it is a whole lot cheaper to join some spree organized by like-minded buyers to get the stuff that you want at a cheaper rate. I've done some research actually, before I set my mind and take that leap of faith to trust and pay the organizer before even having anything tangible in my hands.

I'm very interested to lay my hands on the much reviewed and raved about mineral veil powder by Bare Escentuals. I came across this powder as I was browsing through the Nordstrom site on one of my usual night surfing. The first thing that caught my eyes was of course the price. It was a good US$19 for a tub which is one of the cheaper branded mineral make-up alternatives. I did some Math and the price after converting to Sing dollars is around sgd$27+. It didn't seem all that expensive and I reckon I could save a few dollars if I switch from using Ettusais Day Amulet Powder which is costing me some $38 for a refill pack.

This powder from Bare Escentuals was actually recommended by a fashion & beauty writer in the Straits Times supplementary paper Urban. What struck me on that page was no, not the outcome of the makeup on some model's face. Rather, it was the price again. It is only available in Sephora Takashimaya at a hefy sgd$45. My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. So you see my enthusiasm in banging my bucks immediately on the 1st Nordstrom spree organizer that I can find on Live Journal.

Well, it's been around two weeks since I placed my order and made the payment. I do hope and I am crossing my fingers that the organizer is an honest lass who will mail out the stuff that I ordered in due time. I haven't heard from her since her last email that said "All stuff's in stock and I've placed the orders". We shall wait and see then.

In the meantime, I'll still keep a lookout on things on the web. And hopefully on my bank account too =)